LIFE CHANGES// NOTE TO SELF//

Sometimes I like to read through my old journals

and notepads and diaries and remember all the things that

have happened to me. My life back then always seems so

different to life I have now and I find it strange

yet so interesting looking back on things in retrospective

when all is said and done and time has moved on.

I come across people who I had forgotten had such

an important influence over my life, people who I used

to care about so much but scarcely think of anymore, the same 

people I have in my life now or with whom my relationship

has changed either for the worse of for the better.

I come across hopes, aspirations, beliefs, fears,

problems, worries, struggles, changes, some of which I still

have, some that have changed completely and some which

no longer phase me like they used to or that I can laugh at now.

It's strange because you feel like the same person

you were back then and yet you don't.

When I read my old ramblings now I feel like a protective

and wise big sister, because although I read things

and I'm thinking 'no, don't do that, they'll only

hurt you' or 'oh no WHY WHY WHY WHY?!' at the same

time I'm thinking don't worry, you don't need to,

things will get better, trust me.

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That boy who drove you crazy won't bother you anymore,

that boy you never thought you'd get over well it turns

out you do. You and your friends will work out whatever

problems you had and you'll meet some amazing new friends

not far from now who you get on with so well.

You'll figure out what to do with your life and you'll 

work out what you want to do and how to do it.

You'll get those grades, you'll mend your heart,

you'll end up stronger, wiser, one day you'll talk to

boys without your face looking like a giant pimple.

Things might fall apart but better things will fall together.

There's still some obstacles to come but you'll get

through them and there's some amazing things that will 

happen that you are yet to experience.

It's true when they say everything happens for a reason,

you'll see that as you get older.

You aren't alone, you're not fat, ugly, unlovable,

you aren't worthless, you will pick yourself up,

dust yourself off and you will be okay.

The world won't end, the sun will shine again,

change will come and you will like it. You'll face 

your fears, find happiness in things you never expected to 

and do things you never expected to, and you won't worry 

about the trivial things so much. 

Life can be hard yet you'll realise it's 

value , you'll figure out what really matters and what doesn't

and you'll appreciate life in all it's perfections

and imperfections.

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THE BEGINNING

So this post is kind of to do with love...

I'm kind of inviting you into the goings on in my heart.

Y'see, for the last year I've had a crush on

this guy at my college who just

happens to be an aspiring musician (ie. right up my street).

And obviously at the beginning

it was lovely and perfect and you have

every hope in the world. You're both looking at each

other all the time and thinking this could

really go somewhere and believing it really will.

But the problem was, we had no chance.

We were never introduced, we had no mutual friends or classes,

nothing nothing nothing, both shy, both a little awkward,

and the bottom line is, no matter how much

you convince yourself you do,

you don't really know each other.

And without that essential little component,

nothing can happen.

And as time went on, I wanted more, I wanted to find someone

who I actually spoke to and who made me feel like

something could really truly happen.

And so my feelings slowly burned less brightly,

and I didn't like him like I once did.

It was like hitting a brick wall again and again

and I knew things had to change,

no matter how lovely I thought he was.

And for the record, I still think

he's a lovely person- he's in my form now and

he makes me laugh, which I like (:

But the other day, something happened, and I found

that the loyalties of my heart kind of swapped.

And I closed the door on him.

And someone else kind of kicked open another...

Y'see, the last month or two

I've got to know this guy in one of my classes.
We sit next to each other, and I never dreamed I would get

on with him. But but but, we literally

get on like a house on fire.

It's kind of hard to learn when I'm sat

next to him because he always makes me laugh,

and I always make him laugh,

and we just get on so well and it's lovely

because I've never had that before.

I forget everyone else is there when I'm with him,

it's like it's just me an him, laughing away,

as usual, much to the annoyance

of my teacher.

Now I wouldn't say I fancy him,

but I would say that I have this affection towards him

that slowly gets a little stronger

every time I'm with him, and again,I've

never had anything like that before.

And sometimes I don't know if

he's feeling it too. Last lesson there was a moment

where I definitely felt like he might be, 

but I can't be sure, and I don't

want to rush or assume or mess it up,

because I love just knowing him and chatting to him.

So as I finish this awfully

long post off, I'll say that for me,

one thing came to an end, but, it

coincided with the beginning of another,

and I don't know what might happen,

but what I can say,

is I'm so, so happy I've found him.

<3