IT WILL BE OKAY

Today I write to you from a clearer, and much brighter

point of view than I have done all week.

I've ridden a roller coaster of emotions and

made it out at the other end.

In all fairness, it is my time of the month,

(my chin is resembling the Himalayas again- it's just that

spotty) and that might have had something

to do with it.

I deleted all the other posts anyway, because

I think they were meant to be written and posted and then deleted.

If you missed all the hullabaloo, basically, as you can

probably guess, it involved a boy, and 

it all went a bit heads up, or maybe it didn't, I don't know,

my hormones have been crazy.

So although it felt like I knew, maybe I didn't,

maybe I jumped to conclusions too soon

and didn't give him a fair chance.

But either way, I know why I reacted so bad,

and it wasn't his fault. He didn't do anything wrong, and neither

did I. The only thing I slipped up on, was

falling prey to my old habits and for being too harsh on myself.

Confession time- I've never had a boyfriend before, or

been kissed, or anything else, only been hugged, and

when you're six months away from 18, you start to think something

is going really wrong here.

I know why I've never had a boyfriend or done those things,

and I think my reasons are completely understandable, but I'm

afraid others won't see it that way.

One of the main problems is I fall for the wrong people

time and time over, and I make the same mistakes time and time over.

I think it all stems back from the first guy I ever fell for,

but I don't want to be making those same mistakes

six years later. 

I want and need change.

I always lose out, always, so when I thought I'd gotten everything

all wrong with this new guy, who is very different

to all the other guys and a step in the right direction for me,

it all just got on top of me.

I hold my hands up, I cried about it, because I thought

right back to the very first guy, and worked my way forward to the present day, and all I could see was this pattern continuously

repeating itself.

All I wanted to do was close my heart, be cold and unreachable so that

I don't get hurt again, but at the same time,

I really don't want to end up alone, I don't want to be cold

and end up hating love.

So what do I do?

Well yes, I need change, and what I decided, once I'd got back 

on my feet again, was this:

It's early days with this guy, and yes maybe we aren't

meant to be that way at all, or maybe

we are but not right now.

I don't know, he doesn't know, nobody knows.

And yes I can run away like I always do when there's any doubt

or uncertainty of anything happening at all.

But the fact is, I like this guy.

I like his company, so why should I let that go, when I don't need to?

I don't need to be unhappy or put myself down.

He may not be in my life as anything more serious,

but he is in my life as a friend. And we can just be friends,

two people who get on really well, and 

that sounds good to me.

And for the mean time I'm just going to focus on me,

getting the grades to get to university, finding a job, making

sure I'm just happy in myself.

And this will continue to grow on the side - I have to sit next

to him all year anyway- and maybe we will finish the year

as good friends, maybe just friends,

or maybe something will change and we will become more.

I don't know, but I can't keep over thinking and worrying

and putting myself down and doing this to myself.

I need to be a bit nicer to myself,

and whatever may happen, that is okay,

everything will be 

OKAY 

(: